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You know you're drunk when... (4 comments)
Posted on Aug. 19, 2008 at 3:31 p.m. Posted by Fonz4 commentsFeel free to add to it...
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your pee last longer than 2 and a half minutes.
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your buds are trying to cock block you, yet have no intention of hooking up with your "hot" woman
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you throw up all over your Mom's bed because the blacklight posters on your wall are scaring you.
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youre laying on the side of the road in a bush in the middle of the night, calling your friends, and the only thing that will come out of your mouth is, "I'm in hell!"
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youre not horny at all, you know your dick wont work, but you are still trying your ass of to get laid.
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you cant even stand up straight on two legs, but youre willing to skateboard 20 blocks to the nearest jack in the crack
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the hickups dont hurt anymore...
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your knees start giving out uncontrollably
- somebody else points out to you that youre bleeding terribly and you have no idea how it happened.
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your pee last longer than 2 and a half minutes.
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my ski ran out of gas.... (0 comments)
Posted on Aug. 3, 2008 at 8:24 p.m. Posted by singer0 commentsHow is this for bad luck with a water toy. The first ski i ride picks up rocks within the first 30 seconds of riding, and can't be ridden for the rest of the day. To make up for it, we rent one to play with, and to tow the other one back to the dock. On the way to towing the broke down ski, the rental runs out of gas. To top it off, both ski's get caught in the current, and get shoved under a dock. While getting shoved under the dock, we go down with the ski, almost get my head knocked off, and to top if off, my glasses get thrown from my head into the river, lost for good. WOW.
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letter to the ex (0 comments)
Posted on July 30, 2008 at 3:14 p.m. Posted by singer0 commentsDear wife:
I'm writing you this letter
to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.I've been a good man to you
for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.These last 2 weeks have been
hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today &
that was the last straw.Last week, you came home
& didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.You ate in 2 minutes, &
went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.You don't tell me you love
me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever! the case, I'm gone.Your
EX-HusbandP.S. don't try to find me.
Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together!Have a great
life!Dear
Ex-HusbandNothing has made my day more
than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.About those new silk boxers:
I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.After all of this, I still
loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto
for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2
tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell
& Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever
told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not
a problem
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Lord of the Rings (1 comments)
Posted on July 25, 2008 at 6:41 a.m. Posted by Fonz1 commentsSo, at the end of the third movie, Sam and Frodo are laying on the rock about to die when two giant birds come and swoop them up and bring them back to safety.
Why the fuck didn't they use those birds to get to the destination in the first place? The "quest" was completely unnneccessary and dangerous. They could've saved themselves a lot of troube... Stupid Hobbits.
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25 Clever Bar Pick Up Lines (0 comments)
Posted on July 6, 2008 at 11:49 a.m. Posted by Drew0 commentsFROM THE SLOSHSPOT.COM BLOG
Pick up lines, chat up lines, whatever you call them, we've all heard at least a few. There are some that will invariably send women running for the hills, and others for which you can only hope the lucky girl is very, very drunk when you let them fly. The bottom line is there is a very negative stigma surrounding these sleazy attempts at starting a conversation that will end in fornication. However, there are some lines that deserve mention and merit a list in such a fashion as we've created. These are lines that are good enough to fool a women into thinking you are clever and creative enough to continue talking to you beyond a "yes" or "no" response. While we do not claim to be Mystery AKA the Pickup Artist, we do know that a solid intro is the first step in impressing your potential mate. Here are some of the finest one, two or ten-liners that you are sure to bring success at the bar.
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How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. My name is _.
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Hi, can I buy you several drinks?
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Inheriting 80 million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart!
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You might as well come home with me because I'm going to tell everyone you did anyway.
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You look like my second wife, and I've only been married once.
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Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
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Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.
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My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
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Get your coat, you've pulled.
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I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.
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Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
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Greetings and salivations.
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I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
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Did you see the fight outside a little while ago? These two girls were fighting over a short guy named [your name].
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If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
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I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down.
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Excuse me. My friend over there is a little embarrassed. He'd like your phone number. He wants to know where he can get a hold of me in the morning.
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(Give the person a pint of beer) Drink this, then call me when you're ready.
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I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
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Excuse me, do you want a double entendre?
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Is your husband still on nights?
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Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
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You're going to have to buy me a drink?
Her: What for?
I dropped mine when I saw you.
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Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow-job?
Her: No.
Do you want to do lunch?
- There is something wrong with my phone. Could you call it for me to see if it rings?
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How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. My name is _.
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Quote of the Day on the 4th (0 comments)
Posted on July 5, 2008 at 2:25 p.m. Posted by Singer0 comments"I don't really feel like going to the store to get a hose for the beerbong, lets just find something here."
"Don't cheat yourself now, it's America's Birthday."
"Fair enough."
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NATURAL INSENCE Check em' out if you can, great music!!!!! (2 comments)
Posted on June 30, 2008 at 11:39 a.m. Posted by anonymous2 commentsUpcoming Shows
Jul 3 2008 10:00P The Huka Bar and Grill Salt Lake City, Utah
Jul 4 2008 4:00P WOTO Radio - 91.7FM, 89.3FM, 105.5FM - On Air Appearance Telluride, Colorado
Jul 4 2008 10:30P The Bubble Lounge Telluride, Colorado
Jul 5 2008 10:30P The Bubble Lounge Telluride, Colorado
Jul 27 2008 8:00P Your Inner Vagabond Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Jul 28 2008 10:00P Riders Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
Jul 29 2008 10:00P Riders Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
Jul 30 2008 10:00P Woody’s Destin, Florida
Jul 31 2008 10:00P Woody’s Destin, Florida
Aug 1 2008 10:30P Downtown Brew (all ages) FT Walton Beach, Florida
Aug 2 2008 10:30P Paper Moon Bar & Social Club FT Walton Beach, Florida
Aug 8 2008 10:00P The Bubble Lounge Telluride, Colorado
Aug 9 2008 10:00P The Bubble Lounge Telluride, Colorado
Aug 14 2008 10:00P The Huka Bar and Grill Salt Lake City, Utah
Aug 15 2008 10:00P Auld Dubliner Tucson, Arizona
Aug 16 2008 10:00P Auld Dubliner Tucson, Arizona
Aug 17 2008 5:30P The Mad Italian w/ The Chromatics Flagstaff, Arizona
Aug 19 2008 9:30P Straycat/Gallery Blue w/ the Chromatics Tempe, Arizona
Aug 21 2008 8:00P San Clemente Pier San Clemente, California
Aug 23 2008 9:00P J.J. Purdy Landers Fallbrook, California
Aug 24 2008 2:00P Harrah’s Casino Valley Center, California
Aug 26 2008 10:00P Sandbar - Welcome home show! Santa Barbara, California
Aug 28 2008 9:00P Wine Lover Bar Ventura, California
Aug 29 2008 10:00P Frog and Peach SLO, California
Aug 30 2008 9:00P Mongos Grover Beach, California
Sep 4 2008 10:00P Auld Dubliner Riverside, California
Sep 6 2008 9:00P Rock Bottom La Jolla, California
Sep 13 2008 8:30P Alisal Cellars for Justin’s B-Day Bash!!! Solvang, California
Sep 18 2008 8:00P Velvet Jones - St. Jude’s Hospital Benefit Santa Barbara, California
Sep 19 2008 9:00P Isla Vista (all ages) w/ Top Shelf Isla Vista, California
Sep 20 2008 10:00P Auld Dubliner Riverside, California
Sep 25 2008 10:30P Frog and Peach San Luis Obispo, California
Sep 26 2008 10:30P Frog and Peach San Luis Obispo, California
Sep 27 2008 9:00P Mongos Grover Beach, California
Oct 4 2008 8:00P Private Party Private
Oct 9 2008 10:00P Auld Dubliner Riverside, California
Oct 11 2008 9:00P Rock Bottom La Jolla, California
Oct 17 2008 10:30P The Auld Dubliner Riverside, California
Oct 18 2008 8:00P Jamie’s B-Day Party! (all ages) Bakersfield, California
Oct 21 2008 10:30P Frog and Peach San Luis Obispo, California
Oct 23 2008 5:30P Harder Stadium - UCSB (all ages) Goleta, California
Oct 24 2008 10:30P Frog and Peach San Luis Obispo, California
Oct 25 2008 8:00P UC Davis - Reggae Fest w/Rebelution Davis, California
Oct 31 2008 9:00P Mongos Halloween Party! Grover Beach, California
Nov 1 2008 10:00P Auld Dubliner Riverside, California
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I'm not a piece of meat (0 comments)
Posted on June 28, 2008 at 8:14 p.m. Posted by Fonz0 commentsLately, I've been noticing girls checkin out my package. I have a bad (yet rewarding) habit of staring at cleavage, but it's never obvious. Every now and then I get caught, and they totally give me the smirk - like "hey, bud. i see you checkin my honkers out..." but no big D...
So what's up with chicks doin it back now? They are kinda obvious, too. Like, you'll be having a convo and theyre just staring right at your junk. -and half the time, they dont even realize theyre doing it. I'll move it a little from side to side, and theyre eyes totally follow it. It's so funny!
Anybody else getting an eyefull on their bulge?
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Chain Letters (0 comments)
Posted on June 27, 2008 at 8:21 p.m. Posted by Fonz0 commentsEver get one of those letters (or emails, bulletins, etc) that says some stupid shit like "now that you've read this, you have to send it to 30 billion people within 10 seconds or your balls will be run over by chimp in a tractor at ten thirty"???
K... So, basically, if you don't do whatever they request, you get a curse. Hmmm. It doesn't matter if youre superstitious or not, you GOTTA know that its bullshit. Come on, people... There's no frickin karma here. This is some little kid messing with you. They dont have super powers. If the letter had been written by a voodoo practitioner, Gandolf the grey, or an ugly gypsy woman, you might not be laughed at for forwarding this awful bullshit. But trust me, those stupid frickin chain letters are not written by anybody special. Theyre written by idiots. Dont be scared when a little 10 yr old tells you that your love life is gonna suck for the next three years. They have no control over it. Get it?
Stop forwarding chain letters. Please. They are so annoying.
Now read this out loud five times fast or your eyes will burst into flames and Sanjaya from American Idol will bad-touch you when you sleep.
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Chicks are evil (1 comments)
Posted on June 27, 2008 at 12:04 p.m. Posted by Fonz1 commentsI'm noticing more and more that when girls get a phone call, they leave the room, and talk in secret. When guys get a call, they are comfortable jabberin' away in front of everybody. I have a theory on why who is this is.
-Chicks eavesdrop on every single phone call -ever. If it's none of their business, they make it their fuckin business. So naturally, as a defense mechanism, the cunning female species tries to avoid other people listening to their convos by hibernating in a safe environment until the phone call has subsided. Guys, on the other hand, don’t pay attention to stupid boring crap, and are therefore not expecting that "other people" aka "nosey attractive humans with vaginas" would ever have any interest in stupid boring crap either, yet they do.
...just an observation.